Perfect kidneys never sounded so good

Whew - end of the week. 35 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy down, ? to go.

Just that almost-to-full-term feeling...
via 

We had our 35 week ultrasound today to check on Basil's little kidneys which were a bit dilated at the 19-week ultrasound. Thankfully the doctor told us that both kidneys look "perfect", which is absolutely fantastic. No more worries about vesicouretal reflux and chronic UTI's and some surgeon cutting into my precious baby and all the other things that new mothers - not to mention new mothers who are also 3rd year medical students - are prone to obsess over.

We also found out that right now Basil is head down and in the anterior position - hopefully he'll stay that way! He's weighing in at about 5 lbs 7 oz, so if all goes well by his birthday he'll be between 6.5 and 7 lbs, which sounds just peachy to me.

I am feeling just absolutely exhausted at the moment. Maybe it's because it's the end of the week, maybe it was walking back and forth from the hospital for the ultrasound, maybe it's just being 8 months pregnant, but I am tired. My brain is also working rather slowly, which is hampering my ability to put together the journal club presentation I was going to work on while waiting for K to finish up his department retreat. Currently I am contemplating whether or not to force myself to go to the gym. I do always feel better after exercising, even if my current exercise regimen is undeniably lame.

I realized today, however, that regardless of how tired I feel right now, this is probably the easiest pregnancy I am ever going to experience. It's had its challenges of course - chief among them surgery rotation in the first trimester - but if I am blessed to be pregnant again I am going to a) older and b) with at least one child already outside the womb. And possibly c) with an actual job with actual responsibilities. Right now my days are long and hard, but I come home and it's just K and me. There's no baby to care for, no other children to feed and bathe and put to bed. We can zone out to mindless TV shows if we want, or eat out if we're too tired to cook. If I have the weekend off we can even go to a movie without needing to find a babysitter. Once these next three or four weeks have passed, we're not going to live like this for many, many years!

Alright, to the gym it is. I guess I should enjoy my freedom to work out while I can...

Nesting

Today I am 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant - less than three weeks until Basil is full term! Hopefully our little bambino will stick around in utero for the full 40, but it's comforting knowing that we're getting to a point where he'd most likely do okay outside of the womb.

K and I spent Christmas with my family and decided to come back home on December 30 so that we would have time to get things set up in the nursery. We spent New Year's Eve priming and painting, and New Year's Day assembling the crib and changer. Unfortunately, we also spent both days sick, as we seemed to have picked up a cold somewhere along the way. It's actually not been a terrible way to spend these last days of break though - it's nice to be forced to slow down, to prioritize what really needs to get done, and to just relax rather than running around trying to accomplish a million tasks.

We went to Mass at the Cathedral for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. During the homily, Father spoke about the need for peace to begin within each heart. Life is not a series of tasks to accomplish, but a journey towards God.


Being a lover of to-do-lists and having been something of an over-achiever for most of my life, letting go of the compulsion to view life as a series of tasks to be accomplished is not always easy. At this point, when I am less enamored by academic and professional pursuits, this mindset gets transferred to the other areas of my life - namely, raising a family. Where I once might have said I want to publish 10 papers in top-tier journals while in medical school and then go to the number one residency in my field, I now say I want to have six babies before I'm done with my training and sew them adorable matching outfits and live the liturgical year in our home church and somehow still work as a doctor...

I don't have a good way to tie all this together (pregnancy brain?), but it's really just about realizing that rather than making endless to-do-lists or judging the value of my life by arbitrary accomplishments, the better way is to submit to God's grace, trusting that He will work all things out in His time. I didn't really know what I was doing when I came to medical school, and seven months later I met the man who would become my husband. We didn't really know what we were doing when we got married, or when we decided we wanted to have a baby - but now, on the precipice of welcoming a new person into our family, I can't imagine any other way of living. God has given us a joyful vocation in marriage - to be each others' path to heaven, to co-create with God new life that will bring joy and glory to Him, and to hopefully set those little lives on the way that leads to eternity.

The second reading from the Feast of the Holy Family says it better than I can:

Brothers and sisters:
Put on, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved,
heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,
bearing with one another and forgiving one another,
if one has a grievance against another;
as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do.
And over all these put on love,
that is, the bond of perfection.
And let the peace of Christ control your hearts,
the peace into which you were also called in one body.
And be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,
as in all wisdom you teach and admonish one another,
singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs
with gratitude in your hearts to God.
And whatever you do, in word or in deed,
do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him.

The Long View

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

~Archbishop Oscar Romero

The Credo Project

Prayer for Generosity

Lord, teach me to be generous
Teach me to serve you as you deserve
To give and not to count the cost
To fight and not to heed the wounds
To toil and not to seek for rest
To labor and not to ask for reward
Save that of knowing that I am doing your will

~St. Igantius of Loyola