How We Met, Part II

marriage
Where I left off in Part I, we had just made plans to attend the orchestra after an epic weekend of beer drinking, salsa dancing and karaoke singing.

In preparation for the great phone downgrade of 2015, I saved the text messages that K and I exchanged early in our courtship. They included this gem from K sent on the night prior to our first date:

He ran a little late picking me up, giving me plenty of time to stress over whether or not I was "formal" enough.
I think he was originally supposed to pick me up at 5:30.

True to his word, he went pretty formal - bow tie and all. I wore a maroon dress and a raincoat, because I guess the forecast predicted rain. We went to dinner in Little Italy, where I ordered eggplant parm and he ordered veal. I remember being puzzled by his entree choice - it didn't seem to fit with the somewhat crunchy impression I'd gotten of him when we first met (knew the JVs...didn't have a TV...rode his bike to work...) I also remember electing not to mention that I was (at that point) a vegetarian, thinking it would make a bad impression on him. Always with the over-analysis on my part.

Despite our (unspoken) philosophical differences regarding the eating of meat, that first dinner was lovely. We ran through the usual first date questions and found out that we were both the eldest of three (he of three boys, me of three girls) and that both our mothers were one of seven children. When the check came, I made that awkward half-hearted attempt to split it with him, but thankfully he insisted on paying, in exchange for some baked goods to be delivered at a later date.

We then headed over to the orchestra (Beethoven's 9th). I remember it being a pretty great performance, with a full choir accompanying the musicians. During intermission, I asked him all sorts of questions about his preferences for baked goods and learned that we weren't exactly in agreement in this area (I said I kind of liked fudge...he said something along the lines of "there are two kinds of people in this world, those who like fudge and normal people"). I did learn that he was fond of strawberry shortcake, topped with whipped cream and doused in whole milk (I thought that sounded like a strange way to eat cake, but kept that opinion to myself). 

After the performance, he drove me back to my house. We sat there in the dark for a few awkward moments while I tried to figure out whether or not he was going to kiss me. Finally I had run through all of the parting small talk I could think of and wished him a good night. He looked at me, leaned a little bit towards me across the middle consul and said... "Don't forget to take your leftovers".

Thankfully, the story doesn't end there...there was still a night of strawberry shortcake cookies and a shvitz awaiting us...

7QT: Volume 1 (Laudatio Si edition)

7QT
Baby G is asleep in her stroller on the porch after a long walk around the neighborhood this morning. 9 am is pretty early for a nap, but she woke up at 6 (a full 1.5 hours ahead of schedule) and was pretty grouchy throughout breakfast, teeth brushing and sliding (our normal morning activities), so we shot for an early nap and so far (fingers crossed) it seems to be working out.

So, taking this opportunity to scarf down some breakfast myself and link up with Kelly at This Ain't the Lyceum for some quick takes!
{1}
I dubbed this post "The Laudatio Si edition", but full confession - I have not read more than the first few paragraphs. However, I did watch this video from Bishop-elect (!) Robert Barron. And it's definitely on my list of must-reads. Soon and very soon. But in the meantime, in the spirit of Laudatio Si, we are attempting to simplify our lives - trying to move towards a more sustainable, economical and intentional mode of living. We're both feeling really energized by this challenge. It feels like the direction God is calling our family, for financial, ethical and spiritual reasons. We are trying to be better stewards of the gifts we have been given and de-clutter our lives so that there is more space to recognize the sacred in our vocation.

{2}
So, what are we actually doing? First - back to the cloth! Diapers, that is.


When G was born, we started off with cloth diapers (and a diaper laundering service), but switched to disposables once she started eating table food. The whole "just scoop the .... into the toilet" wasn't really working for us. So for the past year we've been buying pack after pack of disposables...and it was starting to get to me (both the cost and the landfill contribution). So we are transitioning back to cloth diapers. This time I'll be washing them myself, and hanging them to dry. It's only been a few days, but so far they've been working out pretty well. G definitely noticed a difference at first (she kept pulling at the diaper cover and complaining "diiiiipe"), but we persevered, and she doesn't seem bothered by them anymore. Plus, I started using these biodegradable diaper liners that allow all solid waste to be neatly disposed of, which takes care of our biggest gripe about cloth diapers last time around.

{3}
There are so many options for cloth diapers! G will still be using disposables at day care and with Grandma, so I didn't want to invest in a huge supply. I ordered six cotton prefolds in large from Imagine Baby Products (55% bamboo/45% organic cotton), which work well for the daytime. I also ordered one bamboo/organic cotton terrycloth snapless-multi fitted from Sustainablebabyish, which is absolutely awesome. It is fitted around the legs, which keeps it snug, yet comfortable. The material is super soft and very absorbent, especially with the addition of the 3-layer bamboo/organic cotton fleece doublers it comes with. A great choice for overnight, and if they weren't $24 each I'd definitely be using them exclusively!

{4}
Probably my favorite change to our diapering routine has been the switch to cloth wipes. I'd read on some blogs about how great cloth wipes are (easier on the skin, better job of cleaning the diaper area) so I wanted to give them a try. And I'm so glad that I did! I ordered a 12-pack of these flannel wipes. Everything I read was true - the cloth wipes do a much better job of cleaning than flimsy disposable wipes, plus I only have to use one each diaper change. I've also been using a simple wipe solution (2 cups boiled/cooled water + 2 tbsp baby soap + 1 tbsp coconut oil) which seems to moisturize rather than dry out G's skin. She's had a pretty bad diaper rash before I started all this, but it cleared up after only a day or two of using the cloth wipes and homemade solution (possibly coincidence - but at least the rash didn't get worse!)

{5}
Lest you think that the whole of our efforts are centered around becoming part-time cloth diaper users, we're also downgrading our cell phones from smart phones to basic (dumb?) phones. This switch will cut our monthly cell phone bill in half. It will also give us the opportunity to live more intentionally. The only feature I'm kind of nervous about giving up is the "Maps" app on my current iPhone. In the days before GPS, I was rather notorious for getting lost while driving, and my reliance on electronic reroutes for the past five+ years has done nothing to improve my sense of direction! I'll probably be dusting off my old windshield-mounted GPS unit...or maybe learning to read a map.

And if I'm being honest...I'm also really going to miss being able to read blogs/research things like cloth diapers while rocking Miss G to sleep...

{6}
We're also composting - finally! We started off with a small bucket to collect food scraps, but this filled up rather quickly. After realizing that the multitude of tupperware in the fridge was filled not with leftovers but to-be-composted vegetable peels, K went out and got us a larger bucket, which takes much longer to fill. Our current system is: use the small bucket to collect food scraps during meal prep, then transfer to the large bucket, which will be kept on the porch. Once full, take the large bucket to our community garden plot and bury its contents. Repeat! I'm happy that we're reusing some of our food scraps in this way, and am hopeful that we'll see some benefits in terms of soil health.

{7}
And finally (because I hear some stirrings from the porch...), we are moving to a one-car family! This change was brought on somewhat by necessity, since the older of our two cars finally reached the point of being unsafe to drive. So for the time being, we are making it work with just the one car. K will be biking to work for now, though we'll see what happens in the winter!

How We Met, Part I

marriage
In resurrecting the blog, I have been going through my drafts (I have about three times as many drafts as published posts) and came across this one about meeting K. I think I started it a few weeks after we met. So glad that I wrote it! I'll try to finish the story sometime...

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March 2012

God is funny sometimes. I think He's got to spend a lot of time laughing at me - lovingly, of course. He's got everything worked out, and all I have to do is surrender to His will. His plan is not always going to be easy...but it will lead me to eternal life.

It wasn't until Mass tonight that it really struck me how awesome and out of nowhere these past few weeks have been. It wasn't until I was standing in the Church of St. Augustine by the Sea in Waikiki, listening to the local choir singing to "Joyful, Joyful" that it hit me - He's got the whole thing worked out. And I get so caught up in worrying about everything that I forget to trust Him. I forget what I whisper in my heart the moment before receiving His Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity in the Eucharist - Jesus, I trust in You. He's bigger than all my worries put together, and wants nothing but my true, eternal happiness. And He offers me gifts here on Earth to foreshadow that happiness, to lead me deeper into relationship with Him, to help me fall deeper in love with Him.

And I am trying to trust, and not to worry. Trying to be still and not to lose myself in plans and fantasy.

First there is Fat Tuesday at our Newman Center Mardis Gras reverse happy hour. I am happy that night - talking to friends and seminarians about Lent, faith, religious life. Drinking a beer and eating pizza and just being glad to be Catholic. I think the first thing I said to him was something about the Nashville Dominicans and vocations to the religious life. And he sits next to me at one point and tells me his name, which I promptly forget. So five minutes later I ask him again. And it turns out that he's a grad student in biomedical engineering, studying deep brain stimulation. So we talk about the grad school and med school. And at some point I mention his Jerusalem cross, and he's surprised that I know what it is, and says that it's from a Kairos retreat, and he's wearing it again because his brother just did a retreat. And I mention JVC, and it turns out that he knows the FJVs here. And later we talk about Labre and being with people on the margins, and he says that what he'd really like to do is reach out to shut-ins - just go to their homes and visit and talk and pray. And I think - this boy is really cute. And really smart. And really Catholic. He walks me to my car and gets on his bike to ride home.

That Friday is our first Lenten dinner, and he says that at the end of our lives, everything is going to be taken away from us. And I am happy to see him, and happy to see our seminarian friends, and happy to eat and pray and be Catholic with other people.

Next Friday, J is visiting me - and then all of a sudden things are so different. I ask what people are doing after Newman, and he suggests we go across town to a local brewery. So J and I meet him at his car (blue Ford Escape) and follow him in my car (gray Ford Escape), stoping to pick up some friends of his from college and JVC. And we finally exchange phone numbers and he laughs at my inability to use my phone correctly, standing next to my car window.

The brewery is fun - FJVs that I met at the potluck earlier in the year and haven't seen since, and his friend M from college, who makes me wonder if they are dating. Everyone is talking and laughing and having a great time, and we end up back at his apartment to try his honey (he's a part-time beekeeper, it seems) on his walnut bread that I can't eat of course. And while he is in the kitchen toasting bread and spreading honey (because he says, I think they'll want it toasted), I stand in the doorway and we talk about research and the Society for Neuroscience meeting and Washington, DC, and I am just liking him so much. And I notice that above the doorway to his kitchen there is a crucifix - and I am liking him even more. But it's late and I am tired, so we all walk out to the cars so he can drive the other home. And he pops back to my window and says, just turn left at the light and it'll take you straight to the hospital, you don't need your GPS. And I manage to get us a little lost anyway, but the road does lead straight to the hospital, and we make it home.

A picture of us. But not a picture from that epic weekend.

The next night we go to the Catholic Worker storefront, because he and M have invited us to a salsa dancing event that's actually a fundraiser for a German volunteer going to El Salvador to be an election observer. And we hug and talk and I meet more FJVs and it's so, so, so wonderful. And we are partners for salsa dancing, and his hands are sweaty, and it is just so fun to dance with him. And later we talk and laugh and sit on the couch and he asks me if I like the orchestra, because his brother won an essay contest and has two free tickets that he doesn't want, so he has them and is looking for someone to go with him and would I like to go? And of course I say yes. And later there is karaoke at a dive bar nearby, and seeing old friends again after so many months, and singing our hearts out out to Bon Jovi, and he plays pool because he says that late at night all he wants to do is play pool.

He leaves his bag in my car that night, so we meet at the med school on Monday, the third floor, outside the library. And we walk over to the parking building trying to get the stickers that let you just drive into the garages, and we talk and laugh so naturally. It's such fun to be with him. And we make plans for the orchestra on Thursday night.

Before that there is reflective writing, learning objectives, OSCE and a portfolio to finish. But it all gets done, and Thursday comes along finally.

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And the rest...the rest is history. And perhaps to be recorded at a later date...

Lord, teach me to be generous

Family
Resurrecting ye olde blog because all I do all day is read mom blogs and it makes me want to have one myself.

Not quite true...lately it seems like all I do all day is dishes and laundry and change diapers and wipe down highchairs and give baths and read books and rock and rock and rock until the 17-month old who maybe should be falling asleep on her own by now drifts into sweet slumber in my arms.

And in the spaces in between those enlivening activities I try to finish portfolios and manuscripts and thesis presentations. And not to inhale all the sugar (refined and otherwise) that I can get my hands on. But that usually doesn't happen.

Lately it just feels like I work and work and work, and for what? There is just more work to do

I feel the same way, baby G.

I tried to remind myself this week that we don't toil in this life for earthly gain...our reward is in heaven. But when I am stretched thin and can't quite pull myself back to equilibrium, that is little comfort. I tried praying St. Ignatius of Loyola's "Prayer for Generosity" (Lord, teach me to be generous...), but those words wouldn't hold me after a certain point.

Breaking points this week: Wednesday. Home with G in the morning, frantic portfolio finishing in the afternoon, dinner prep + toddler wrangling in the evening, followed by K's soccer game until dark (which equals very little soccer watching and very much toddler chasing for me). By the time we got home I was just spent. There had been hardly a moment during the day that I hadn't been watching G or working (schoolwork or housework). I blew up at K and we both went to bed angry.

Next breaking point: Saturday. Started off alright. K took G to the garden so that I could work on a manuscript. In the afternoon we had K's brother and his gf over for a mustard and pretzel making/tasting session that K and his brother had dreamed up the week before. It was fine and fun...just really long. An entire afternoon and evening of cooking in a hot kitchen, picking up and putting down G (and sharing half of my dinner with her), and talking talking talking, was more than this solidly introverted gal could handle. By the end of the night, I retreated into the nursery to put G to bed just so I could have a few moments alone. I tried to cope with the frustration in a more adaptive way - went for a short run and did some kettle bells rather than binge on sugar and blogs. But when I woke up this morning, I still felt stretched. I'd dreamed about driving down to the monastery in Ferdinand (subconscious desire to escape this vocation/just really really really need a break??) Then I foolishly drove to the drug store and bought a pregnancy test (which was of course negative). So by the time we left for Mass, I was really not in a good mood. Mass was the usual gauntlet of trying to keep G quiet/in the pew while kind of paying attention to the liturgy. She was actually pretty good today - not too much wandering, just a few quiet babbles, one diaper change mid-way through the service, drank her milk during the consecration. I felt a glimmer of hope and light during Mass, remembering (faintly) that no matter what happens in this life, a Christian should have deep joy and peace because the final battle has been won! Christ has conquered death! And God wills all things for our eternal good (not necessarily our comfort here and now). So if we can only have one child - rejoice! There is another plan. If I can never lose weight or kick my sugar habit - rejoice! Offer it up to the Lord. If I don't match where I want to (or at all), or any number of other things I regularly catastrophize in my mind - say it with me - rejoice.

But...somehow that also didn't stick. Because when we got home I was just tired and mopey and started inhaling food like I'd been fasting for days. And that's how I ended up here, typing this blog in a mid-afternoon sugar slump, empty pint of ice cream next to me (second, full pint in the freezer, to be disposed of before K and G get home), and wondering how I am going to make it through this week.

Maybe I will just type myself these little pick me up posts every day, because they really do help. Kind of in the Xanga spirit of days past - writing about stuff makes it feel less terrible.

 I have it in my head that unless I am the exact same weight as when we conceived G, I am going to have a terrible horrible no good very bad pregnancy filled with macrosomia and gestational diabetes and shoulder distocia and fourth degree lacerations and postpartum weight that I will never ever ever lose. But...probably if I am a little bit heaver it will be okay. Trying to focus on fitness rather than numbers.

So anyway - let's seize the week! Offer it up to the Lord for my salvation and K and G's salvation. St. Gianna Beretta Molla, please pray for me that I may follow His will in motherhood and medicine - may I find my salvation in giving of myself to my husband and child and patients. St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle - be my shield and armor against the temptations of the devil. May I cling to the Cross and not give into the lies of the greater accuser. Mary, my mother - please intercede for me at the throne of your Son that I might be obedient and humble in living this vocation which He has chosen for me - may I accept every difficulty and face it willingly for His sake.

Perfect kidneys never sounded so good

Family
Whew - end of the week. 35 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy down, ? to go.

Just that almost-to-full-term feeling...
via 

We had our 35 week ultrasound today to check on Basil's little kidneys which were a bit dilated at the 19-week ultrasound. Thankfully the doctor told us that both kidneys look "perfect", which is absolutely fantastic. No more worries about vesicouretal reflux and chronic UTI's and some surgeon cutting into my precious baby and all the other things that new mothers - not to mention new mothers who are also 3rd year medical students - are prone to obsess over.

We also found out that right now Basil is head down and in the anterior position - hopefully he'll stay that way! He's weighing in at about 5 lbs 7 oz, so if all goes well by his birthday he'll be between 6.5 and 7 lbs, which sounds just peachy to me.

I am feeling just absolutely exhausted at the moment. Maybe it's because it's the end of the week, maybe it was walking back and forth from the hospital for the ultrasound, maybe it's just being 8 months pregnant, but I am tired. My brain is also working rather slowly, which is hampering my ability to put together the journal club presentation I was going to work on while waiting for K to finish up his department retreat. Currently I am contemplating whether or not to force myself to go to the gym. I do always feel better after exercising, even if my current exercise regimen is undeniably lame.

I realized today, however, that regardless of how tired I feel right now, this is probably the easiest pregnancy I am ever going to experience. It's had its challenges of course - chief among them surgery rotation in the first trimester - but if I am blessed to be pregnant again I am going to a) older and b) with at least one child already outside the womb. And possibly c) with an actual job with actual responsibilities. Right now my days are long and hard, but I come home and it's just K and me. There's no baby to care for, no other children to feed and bathe and put to bed. We can zone out to mindless TV shows if we want, or eat out if we're too tired to cook. If I have the weekend off we can even go to a movie without needing to find a babysitter. Once these next three or four weeks have passed, we're not going to live like this for many, many years!

Alright, to the gym it is. I guess I should enjoy my freedom to work out while I can...

Nesting

Family
Today I am 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant - less than three weeks until Basil is full term! Hopefully our little bambino will stick around in utero for the full 40, but it's comforting knowing that we're getting to a point where he'd most likely do okay outside of the womb.

K and I spent Christmas with my family and decided to come back home on December 30 so that we would have time to get things set up in the nursery. We spent New Year's Eve priming and painting, and New Year's Day assembling the crib and changer. Unfortunately, we also spent both days sick, as we seemed to have picked up a cold somewhere along the way. It's actually not been a terrible way to spend these last days of break though - it's nice to be forced to slow down, to prioritize what really needs to get done, and to just relax rather than running around trying to accomplish a million tasks.

We went to Mass at the Cathedral for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. During the homily, Father spoke about the need for peace to begin within each heart. Life is not a series of tasks to accomplish, but a journey towards God.


Being a lover of to-do-lists and having been something of an over-achiever for most of my life, letting go of the compulsion to view life as a series of tasks to be accomplished is not always easy. At this point, when I am less enamored by academic and professional pursuits, this mindset gets transferred to the other areas of my life - namely, raising a family. Where I once might have said I want to publish 10 papers in top-tier journals while in medical school and then go to the number one residency in my field, I now say I want to have six babies before I'm done with my training and sew them adorable matching outfits and live the liturgical year in our home church and somehow still work as a doctor...

I don't have a good way to tie all this together (pregnancy brain?), but it's really just about realizing that rather than making endless to-do-lists or judging the value of my life by arbitrary accomplishments, the better way is to submit to God's grace, trusting that He will work all things out in His time. I didn't really know what I was doing when I came to medical school, and seven months later I met the man who would become my husband. We didn't really know what we were doing when we got married, or when we decided we wanted to have a baby - but now, on the precipice of welcoming a new person into our family, I can't imagine any other way of living. God has given us a joyful vocation in marriage - to be each others' path to heaven, to co-create with God new life that will bring joy and glory to Him, and to hopefully set those little lives on the way that leads to eternity.

The second reading from the Feast of the Holy Family says it better than I can:

Brothers and sisters:
Put on, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved,
heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,
bearing with one another and forgiving one another,
if one has a grievance against another;
as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do.
And over all these put on love,
that is, the bond of perfection.
And let the peace of Christ control your hearts,
the peace into which you were also called in one body.
And be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,
as in all wisdom you teach and admonish one another,
singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs
with gratitude in your hearts to God.
And whatever you do, in word or in deed,
do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Almost There

Spirituality


We are less than one month from the wedding – less than one month until I am his wife, and he is my husband. One month until we can fully embrace one another, fully give ourselves to one another, fully begin to live a shared life with one another. It is astounding how blessed we are – blessed with our families and friends, with so much love and support, with our faith, with each other – blessed beyond all telling. God is truly good.
Engagement photo shoot. It was cold.

It is busy these days. Sometimes I have a Sisyphean sense of futility – there is always something more to get done. I don’t seem to appreciate finishing any task, because there are always three others that I have not yet completed. But I am trying to cultivate a spirit of gratitude and peace, trying to let go of my internal deadlines and trust that it is all in the Lord’s hands.

And sometimes I am blessed with that sense of deep peace and joy – that sense of vocation. That sense that this is what I am made to do – to love him and to learn to be loved by him. To witness to the world the truth of what love is – all-giving, all-sacrificing. There must be nuns praying for me somewhere, because I am deriving so much strength from the memories of that discernment – the memories of what I was ready to give up for God. And it helps now, as I am contemplating what I may need to give up in the future – the ease of life without children, the luxury of focusing on school without a family to care for; the independence of living on my own, with my own budget, making my own decisions. 

We are not perfect in our discipleship, not perfect in our love. We grow weary with school and work, become discouraged, lose hope and perspective. We forget how blessed we are. I let tiny hurts fester within me, follow paths of pain backwards through my mind until I cannot find my way back into the light. I distrust him too often, forgetting that he is good and kind. But I am learning to trust – I am learning to remember more easily how good he is, and how much he loves me.

There is joy in sacrifice for His sake – joy in realizing what we do not need, and in recognizing what we have in Him. Joy in remembering why we are doing this, and for Whom.

 This will be the second reading at our wedding Mass, but they are good words for this time of preparation as well.

Brothers and sisters: Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Then the God of peace will be with you.
~Philippians 4:4-9

The Long View

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

~Archbishop Oscar Romero

The Credo Project

Prayer for Generosity

Lord, teach me to be generous
Teach me to serve you as you deserve
To give and not to count the cost
To fight and not to heed the wounds
To toil and not to seek for rest
To labor and not to ask for reward
Save that of knowing that I am doing your will

~St. Igantius of Loyola