Got an email from Sister M the other day. Just a simple email checking in... but all of a sudden, that pull was back. That inner longing for religious life. That inner longing that is really a longing for God, for communion with Him. Why is that longing so strong at some times and not at others? Part of me is telling myself that this is all transitional anxiety - just the uncomfortable process of stating something new, of being in a new place and meeting new people. Just a little dip in serotonin, nothing serious. Exercise. Have some vitamin B12. Don't uproot your life.

Part of me wants it to be something more. Part of me still thinks that nothing in this world could be any better than living in a monastery and serving God with my whole heart and mind and being. Not that I can't do it out here "in the world"...I just have this desire to live in greater intimacy with the Church's liturgy, with the rhythm of the Church year, in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. I started listening to an audio book of Scott Hahn's The Lamb's Supper today - he writes about the interconnectedness of the Mass and the Book of Revelation. The Mass is that foretaste of Heaven, a real participation in the heavenly liturgy that is taking place right now with all the angels and saints, in the presence of God the Father, Son and Spirit. Oh! How I long for that. What on earth could be better?

And of course, there is the call to serve. I want to serve. I want to reach out to others as Christ did - but I want to live rooted in Him. I want to rest in Him. I want to go out and come back to Him.

Sister J wrote in her journal about becoming Your bride, Lord. About marrying you. I was so startled and joyous to discover those words. It seemed like a sign that the community is rooted in You, despite lacking the external signs of habits and the like.

Times like this, I'm not sure if I've made the right choice. I want to be a doctor, Lord...but I want to be all Yours. And I know I am all Yours...I just want to live like I am. I want the whole of my life to be suffused by You.