I tried to remind myself this week that we don't toil in this life for earthly gain...our reward is in heaven. But when I am stretched thin and can't quite pull myself back to equilibrium, that is little comfort. I tried praying St. Ignatius of Loyola's "Prayer for Generosity" (Lord, teach me to be generous...), but those words wouldn't hold me after a certain point.

Breaking points this week: Wednesday. Home with G in the morning, frantic portfolio finishing in the afternoon, dinner prep + toddler wrangling in the evening, followed by K's soccer game until dark (which equals very little soccer watching and very much toddler chasing for me). By the time we got home I was just spent. There had been hardly a moment during the day that I hadn't been watching G or working (schoolwork or housework). I blew up at K and we both went to bed angry.

Next breaking point: Saturday. Started off alright. K took G to the garden so that I could work on a manuscript. In the afternoon we had K's brother and his gf over for a mustard and pretzel making/tasting session that K and his brother had dreamed up the week before. It was fine and fun...just really long. An entire afternoon and evening of cooking in a hot kitchen, picking up and putting down G (and sharing half of my dinner with her), and talking talking talking, was more than this solidly introverted gal could handle. By the end of the night, I retreated into the nursery to put G to bed just so I could have a few moments alone. I tried to cope with the frustration in a more adaptive way - went for a short run and did some kettle bells rather than binge on sugar and blogs. But when I woke up this morning, I still felt stretched. I'd dreamed about driving down to the monastery in Ferdinand (subconscious desire to escape this vocation/just really really really need a break??) Then I foolishly drove to the drug store and bought a pregnancy test (which was of course negative). So by the time we left for Mass, I was really not in a good mood. Mass was the usual gauntlet of trying to keep G quiet/in the pew while kind of paying attention to the liturgy. She was actually pretty good today - not too much wandering, just a few quiet babbles, one diaper change mid-way through the service, drank her milk during the consecration. I felt a glimmer of hope and light during Mass, remembering (faintly) that no matter what happens in this life, a Christian should have deep joy and peace because the final battle has been won! Christ has conquered death! And God wills all things for our eternal good (not necessarily our comfort here and now). So if we can only have one child - rejoice! There is another plan. If I can never lose weight or kick my sugar habit - rejoice! Offer it up to the Lord. If I don't match where I want to (or at all), or any number of other things I regularly catastrophize in my mind - say it with me - rejoice.

But...somehow that also didn't stick. Because when we got home I was just tired and mopey and started inhaling food like I'd been fasting for days. And that's how I ended up here, typing this blog in a mid-afternoon sugar slump, empty pint of ice cream next to me (second, full pint in the freezer, to be disposed of before K and G get home), and wondering how I am going to make it through this week.

Maybe I will just type myself these little pick me up posts every day, because they really do help. Kind of in the Xanga spirit of days past - writing about stuff makes it feel less terrible.

I have it in my head that unless I am the exact same weight as when we conceived G, I am going to have a terrible horrible no good very bad pregnancy filled with macrosomia and gestational diabetes and shoulder distocia and fourth degree lacerations and postpartum weight that I will never ever ever lose. But...probably if I am a little bit heaver it will be okay. Trying to focus on fitness rather than numbers.

So anyway - let's seize the week! Offer it up to the Lord for my salvation and K and G's salvation. St. Gianna Beretta Molla, please pray for me that I may follow His will in motherhood and medicine - may I find my salvation in giving of myself to my husband and child and patients. St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle - be my shield and armor against the temptations of the devil. May I cling to the Cross and not give into the lies of the greater accuser. Mary, my mother - please intercede for me at the throne of your Son that I might be obedient and humble in living this vocation which He has chosen for me - may I accept every difficulty and face it willingly for His sake.